Stinker

High roller

Dogs, like children, can really take you out of yourself, show you a lighter side of any situation. On the other hand they can drag you out of peaceful Zen moments so abruptly, leaving you pissed off, drenched in shampoo and baking soda, wondering what you did to deserve the affront....

We were on the waterfront Orange Dog and I, taking a moment in the park on a rare Child-free Saturday afternoon. 

I was walking back to the stairs when I realised my shadow was no longer attached to my leg. I looked around and there he was by the water, on his back, those long orange legs kicking joyfully into the air, his body flipping from side to side.   

I forget how much he loves a good roll in the grass. We don’t have grass in our garden.

As we came up to the street a cute guy smiled at us, Orange Dog smiled back and promptly attached himself to his new friend.   

The guy’s smile sort of tumbled off his face and he began walking faster. 

Meanwhile, I was wondering, what’s that smell?   

I stopped and checked under my runners. 

Nope, nothing there.

But there it was again, pwarrrh!   

What was that?! 

Smelled like a corpse. 

A very old corpse.

By the time we got home, I had him leashed - to quarantine him from humans. 

I tied his leash to the car port pillar and grabbed the hose.   

I cursed him and I blasted him with cold water, and the smell of rancid fish guts (could have been rat too I guess) began to fill the front garden.

After half a bottle of shampoo, and a couple of cups of baking soda, blasted him again withthee hose before I rubbing the monster down with a towel. 

Still the rancid smell of rotting flesh still hit my nostrils. 

I pulled off his leather collar,sniffed, almost fainted, and threw that in the washer with the towels for a thorough fumigating.

I sniffed his neck, my nostrils protested again so I raided the bathroom cabinet.

Issey Miyake did the trick. I know I had a big bottle of CK One in there somewhere.

He was one miserable individual as was I when I went to the front garden only to be overwhelmed by Rancid fish guts again. No way was I going to empty a bottle of L’eau D’Issey onto my pavers, so I shut the door and prayed for more rain (there’s a first).   

Meanwhile the Orange stinker was trying, for all he was worth, to bury his snout in his bed .    

‘Serves you right, you creep’ I told him.

White vinegar was always my de-stink go to, but this situation, this level of utterly devastating and hair curling stench was way beyond vinegar. 

Later on an emergency food run to the pet store I thought, I wonder…. And there, to my utter amazement, (or maybe not) I found a Pet Perfume aisle. (!!!!) OK I wasn’t all that shocked. What was shocking were the prices… the first one I picked up was just under $20 for 100ml of something that smelled like Brut33!

Pet perfume can cost more than humans'

I did the math. That’s the price Chemist Warehouse sells Calvin Klein’s CK One/ per 100ml for and to say that smells way better is a gross understatement. I didn’t need to open the bottle; my frightened furperson was backingup as soon as I pulled it off the shelf.

‘I wouldn’t do that to you, big boy,even humans shouldnt smell like that.’

Most of the Canine Cologne’s smelled like the stuff middle-aged letches marinated in;  the kind of aftershaves that send you into coughing fits in post office queues, or just leave you with a spectacular headache from minimal exposure.

I chose one with a subtle fragrance with coat conditioner in it. It was mid-range at $15 per 100ml.  If it doesn’t live up to its promises of deodorising, non-irritant and coat conditioning, I will buy CK One next time. 

At least this one gives some of its profits to the RSPCA. I like that.

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